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the dreaded guest list...possibly the hardest wedding planning task of all! There are few couples who find this part easy. There are so many with difficult family dynamics, blended families, opinionated friends and demanding parents. Throw into the mix budgets, venue capacity, plus 1's and children and you have yourself a recipe for sleepless nights. But don't worry, I've got lots of top tips to help you create the perfect wedding guest list with ease.
getting started
Things you need to know before starting your wedding guest list
Before you can get started creating your wedding guest list, you need to know a few vital bits of information which will dictate the numbers, so sit down with your partner to think about and discuss them. I always recommend having this conversation as early as possible, usually as soon as you have a venue or when you've got a figure of the ballpark numbers in your mind.
Firstly, you need to know the venue capacity because this is your upper limit for invite numbers. If you haven't got your venue yet, think about what kind of vibe you want [eg intimate, big party] as this may limit numbers so it's important to know this at the start.
Knowing the vibe may also help you narrow your venue search based on the kind of numbers you're likely to invite [eg if you'd like a small intimate wedding, then your venue is likely to be small and therefore you may be able to rule out any large capacity venues.
Thinking about your budget when figuring out your wedding guest list
It's not rocket science when I say that the more people you invite to your wedding, the more it will cost, so figuring out how many people you can afford to invite within your budget and the cost per head early on will help you to narrow down who to invite.
Most costs are the same no matter who you invite, so the best way to figure out a cost per head is by looking at food and drink costs as they are usually the main variable when it comes to numbers.
Once you have venue/caterer and a budget figure for food and drink, calculate what the total amount for food and drink costs is per guest [including toast, table wine etc.], these are usually quoted by the venue/caterer as a cost per person. Add all the different things together to get a total. Once you have this figure, you will be able to use it to figure the numbers you can have within your budget [Eg if your food budget is £3000 and the cost per head is £50, you know you can invite up to 60 people within budget].
Image by Kate Ventress
creating the guest list
how to create your wedding guest list - A step by step guide
Starting with your venue capacity or the maximum number you have set yourself, you now need to figure out who you are inviting.
Create a draft list of all the people you would like to invite together and/or individually, this list should be everyone.
Now put each name into a category A, B or C as follows: A list - Closest friends, family and must haves [short list] B list - Other friends, family [long list] C list - Work colleagues, distant friends and family [evening list]
Next, figure out who from your family and closest friends you are going to invite. All the people on list A are automatically on the to be invited/short list. Then [as a couple] discus and negotiate the people who get an invite for the remaining spaces from the B/C lists. Alternatively, think of your C list as your evening list if you are having one.
Now you have your Draft Guest List [yay]!
Remember that some people will not be able to come [especially if travel is involved], so any from the A or B list who decline your invite can be replaced with people from the B or C list as appropriate. You may want to stagger invites to allow for this if you want to ensure you have a set number of people there on the day.
Things to remind yourself when creating your wedding guest list
Don't invite people out of guilt - it's OK not to invite people to your wedding...it's YOUR wedding!
Remember who is important...ie YOU! You need to be comfortable and happy with all the decisions you make or your day might be something you don't want and you'll regret it, so keep telling yourself this when things get tough!
Remember to prioritise yourself at all times.
Take a collective stance on your agreed list and rules around plus ones and children.
It may be uncomfortable treating people like numbers, but as long as your A list are there, you will have a great day no matter what and realistically, you have to draw the line somewhere.
You don't have to invite people because you went to their wedding or they came to your engagement party. Things change, relationships move and budgets are there for a reason!
Your wedding is not a reunion for all the people in your life. Only invite people who mean something to you and organise something else with people who you'd like to see but don't have the space to add to your guest list.
Try not to overthink guest lists and go with your gut. Family dynamics and friend politics can be difficult to navigate, but go with what feels right to you.
Image by Erin O'Keeffe
Who are you inviting to your wedding - Other people to consider
Do you parents want to invite people to your wedding?
Parents often want to invite people so it might be worth asking them early on. It could be close family friends you've known all your life, distant relatives or their neighbours.
It's important that you are happy for these people to be invited, especially if you don't know them, you don't want them taking a place of your own friends who you want to invite but can't, so always try to negotiate this and not allow your parents to push you around, especially if they think they are entitled to it because they are paying!
A good compromise if you're at loggerheads with parents is to offer an evening guest place, that way it doesn't impact your actual wedding too much and helps keep the costs and numbers down.
Are you inviting kids to your wedding?
Have this conversation with your partner, do you want all children, chosen children, family children only, no children at all? It is entirely up to you and the day that you see for yourselves and the type of celebration you want to have.
Whatever you decide, make sure you put this collective stance out to everyone else and back each other up when people start to try bend the rules, because that's more than likely going to happen.
Are you inviting plus ones to your wedding?
There really is no one size fits all answer, except it depends on how well you know the person you're inviting and whether you think they need a plus one. If they don't know anyone else, this might be a nice gesture, but if they know loads of people do they need that person there? It also depends on their relationship [eg if they are married it might be better to invite the person, but if they've just met, then do you want to invite an almost stranger].
I really think you need to sit down with your partner and figure out who gets a plus one on an individual basis because they outcome might be different for different people. Again, whatever you both agree to, make sure you stick to it otherwise it could cause arguments between you or others further down the line.
Image by Joanna Bongard
how to reduce guest list numbers
my number one tip for culling your wedding guest list
Most people fall into the trap of people pleasing when it comes to guest lists, inviting too many people because they don't want to upset anyone. It's hard to get into the right mindset, but I read something along these lines recently and I thought it was the perfect headspace to get into when trying to reduce numbers:
"Every second you spend with a guest is a second not spent with your partner, so make sure they are worth it!"
Questions to ask yourself when trying reduce numbers and cull your wedding guest list
If you're struggling to eliminate people from your shortlist, ask yourself these questions to work out whether they should be invited.
For each guest/couple/family ask yourself:
Which list are they on?
Are you close and do you hang out?
When did you last see them?
Do you have a good relationship with them?
Would you pay for dinner on a night out?
Do they make you feel good, are they a positive person to be around?
Will they cause drama?
Are they likely to come? [Based on availability/location/will they be able to get there]
Are the reliable/flaky usually?
Have you met their partner? [Especially if inviting a plus one]
Did you get invited to their wedding/Civil Partnership?
Would you need to invite their partner and/or kids, how many spaces will they need?
Do you really want them there? Is it important to you [both] to have them share your day?
how to reduce wedding costs
If you're trying to reduce costs, here are some things to consider to help bring your day within budget:
Reduce numbers - less people to feed equals less money to spend
If A list people decline your invite, don't substitute those numbers with B or C list people, this will keep you guest list to te people you really want and reduce the numbers.
Don't invite the full capacity of your venue [ eg the capacity is 100 but you want to invite 80]
Limit children or plus ones
Invite less full day guests and add people to the evening guest list.
Image by West View Photography
top tips for dealing with wedding guest list problems
Dealing with difficult requests or people
There is something about weddings that brings the worst out of people. They think their opinion about what happens on your wedding day is important when really, it's nothing to do with them. These problems are often due to family politics or demanding friends. People will bully you or try to push you into things, but set your boundaries, stand your ground, back yourselves/each other and please don't cave to pressure or you'll probably regret it.
The bottom line is, you don't have to invite anyone or do anything you don't want to...no matter what anyone says!
how to tell people they aren't invited to your wedding
Sometimes people you've invited assume their kids, partner or a plus one is invited. It's not the best situation to be in, but honesty is the best policy. Just tell them firmly that they aren't invited and why. E.g. Inviting extra people is not in budget or you don't have the numbers.
It's best to try avoid this situation by being clear who is and isn't invited on the invite and include any wording to the effect of only those named are invited. Hopefully doing this will avoid needing to have those difficult conversations.
how to uninvite people from your wedding
It's OK if you've changed your mind. Things happen and relationships change, you don't need drama on you wedding day! Be strong and tell them honestly that you no longer feel that you want them there and why or not, it's up to you if you want to justify your decision, but don't feel like you have to. Those conversations are difficult and uncomfortable, but the alternative is those people coming to your day and spoiling it or being in your wedding photos that you will have to look at and regret forever!
Image by Bohemian Rose Photography
Tips for sending wedding invites
What to include in your wedding invites to avoid guest list issues
Be super clear who is invited and who isn't invited, give names and a sentence about only those named are invited [or something similar]
If you've got restrictions on children who are invited, include some wording to say so.
If plus ones aren't included, say so.
If you're looking for what information to include in your wedding invites or stationery, check out my list here.
how to say kids aren't invited to your wedding
This simple wording is great to include on your wedding website or in your invite:
"Neither of us wants our day to be a kids party. We want it to be full of adult fun and imagining lots of children does not make us excited. We have made this decision together and feel happy that this is our vision for our day. We understand that you may have wanted a different experience and we do not mean to offend anybody or hurt any feelings, we just want to get married in a way that makes us happiest and we hope you accept and support our decision to start our married life in a way we choose."
Image by Honey and Heather Photography
Tips for collecting wedding invite rsvps
What information to collect from guests and RSVPS for your wedding
Name[s]
Address
Email
Phone number
Category [Eg what list they are on A/B/C]
RSVP status [Eg Not responded/Declined/Accepted]
Meal options [If people need to choose from a menu, what have they opted for?]
Dietary needs [Eg Vegan, seafood allergy, gluten free etc.]
Additional info/special needs + requests [eg accessibility needs]
Accommodation [if your booking accommodation on behalf or guests, you might want to document the details]
Song requests [if you want to add songs to a playlist or give to the DJ]
There's nothing wrong with a spreadsheet, but there are also some great websites which your guests can fill in to capture all the RSVP details you need. Either use a form on your own website or search 'Wedding guest manager' online and find one that suits your needs
If you're looking for tips and how to create a wedding website, check out my ultimate guide here.
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